Oh man. You are so not ready for the CUTENESS. Yes, the other phases of your kid's life have their high points too but the first few years when they are insanely adorably too impossibly cute in all sorts of ways is what you will remember for the rest of your life. Your brain will change. So your kid will be 10000000000000000% more cute and adorable than any baby you have ever laid eyes on before in your life. And the love you'll feel for him will be so fierce you wouldn't believe it. Right now, you don't understand how much you'll love him.
I probably really don't! It's pretty exciting. From the hi res ultrasound I already know he's mad cute tho, definitely gonna b mogging all the other babies
One of the most shocking things about having a kid was discovering how many parent traits were biological. The intense and overwhemling feelings you have for the kid, like the total inability to see violence against children on-screen, is biological, not cognitive; the instinct to protect the young comes way before reason and consciousness. The only thing I can compare it to is the adolescent discovery of sex- it's that same feeling of being caught up in instincts much bigger and older than you are.
This was an early pregnancy symptom for me. I would become physically distressed seeing any child hurt or upset, even in a movie or on tv. It never abated.
When my spouse was at 7 months, a baby book mentioned that one way to know labor was close was "an urge to clean the house." We both had a good laugh at that '50s stereotype.... until 8 weeks later, when I came home from a late-night event to find my wife, awake at 1 AM and reorganizing the t-shirt drawer.
I asked, "Honey, are you okay?" And with huge eyes, she answered: "I think the parasite is controlling my mind." We went to the hospital immediately.
This! I have never been a baby person at all. When I got pregnant, relatives joked, “Gee now you’re actually going to have to hold a baby!” I thought I would be someone who simply gets through the newborn phase so I could really connect with my child when she was more of a distinct person who could do things and have thoughts.
My daughter was born a month ago and I am OBSESSED with her. I struggle to sleep not because she is keeping me awake but because I want to keep looking at her while she sleeps. I have to force myself out of concern for my health; my heart says “You have slept plenty and can sleep again some other time; every moment you don’t look at her is gone forever.” I cry seeing how much bigger she looks now compared to two weeks or four weeks ago. I LOVE taking care of this screaming little potato more than anything else I have ever done; it could not feel less like a slog I’m getting through on the way to somewhere more interesting. It’s true that I want to see her smile for real and walk and dance and laugh and make friends and stuff, but it’s equally true that I want her to be my little screaming potato forever and ever. I could never have predicted that I would feel the way I feel.
It happened to my wife and I and my parents. Having and raising a baby changes hormones and rewires brains of both the mom and dad. Evolution doing its thing, probably.
I like the boat in the stream. I’d suggest a snowball bouncing down a hill. You are on your own snowball trying to kick theirs in the right direction. Also: don’t confuse “mattering” with “mattering predictably.”
> Take parenting. Most readers summarize my Selfish Reasons to Have More Kids as “Parenting doesn’t matter.” But that is only one possible interpretation of the twin and adoption data. The data is also consistent, however, with the theory that most parents are barely trying to get results — at least on many relevant margins. I pondered this in depth before I started homeschooling my kids. I’m always stunned by all the economists who fail to teach their kids about supply-and-demand. All my kids know about these holy diagrams. What’s the difference between their kids and mine? I did ten times as much.
Since you are fluent in Russian, I'll practice mine (that my parents worked so hard to preserve, and yet I am just unable to pass to my sons)
Ты просто не представляешь насколько ты будешь привязана к своему ребенку когда он родиться. Так смотришь на чужих - и это какие то мелкие уродцы. А когда это твой, собственный, родной, то он кажется тебе самым важным и самым замечательным. И у тебя будет непреодолимое желание решить все проблемы, убрать каждую палку чтобы не споткнулся и задушить каждого учителя или ребёнка который на него не так посмотрел или обидел.
My oldest former-newborn has now been (successfully?) launched to sea, and I like your approach. We're here to guide our kids not mold them.
... buuut I also spent several hours this week tutoring a smaller child in math, and drove her to the test, at her private school, then went home and worked on arranging private swimming lessons for her brother.
The flip side of each kid being their own unique individual is that sometimes they need unique support. Private school, because the local public school all but pushed them out the door. A reading tutor because they're reading at 2nd-grade level in 9th grade, and then expensive art classes because why should all the resources go into making your kid spend time doing things they hate and feeling bad, when there are also things that they are good at and make them feel good?
And then you get the kids - or more, the ages - where they lack ambition to the point where you have to coax/bribe/threaten them into showering and changing their socks, but when they come out the other side they thank you for making them study and leave the house. (My kids even thanked me for their second language, although to be fair, their second language is English, which is highly necessary if you want to curse people out on Fortnite.)
And I'll admit to joining the efforts to avoid the pernicious, hungry algorithms.
Time to tl;dr this comment before it gets longer than the post. Great post, I totally agree, except for all the caveats. And best wishes for a healthy and as-easy-as-possible birth and recovery.
Eh. You haven’t seen your child’s pain yet. It is easier to criticize others for caring too much before experiencing your own child’s pains and joys. You feel their frustration, desperation, fear, or terror, even when the source is patently ridiculous, more than you could expect.
Oh man. You are so not ready for the CUTENESS. Yes, the other phases of your kid's life have their high points too but the first few years when they are insanely adorably too impossibly cute in all sorts of ways is what you will remember for the rest of your life. Your brain will change. So your kid will be 10000000000000000% more cute and adorable than any baby you have ever laid eyes on before in your life. And the love you'll feel for him will be so fierce you wouldn't believe it. Right now, you don't understand how much you'll love him.
I probably really don't! It's pretty exciting. From the hi res ultrasound I already know he's mad cute tho, definitely gonna b mogging all the other babies
One of the most shocking things about having a kid was discovering how many parent traits were biological. The intense and overwhemling feelings you have for the kid, like the total inability to see violence against children on-screen, is biological, not cognitive; the instinct to protect the young comes way before reason and consciousness. The only thing I can compare it to is the adolescent discovery of sex- it's that same feeling of being caught up in instincts much bigger and older than you are.
This was an early pregnancy symptom for me. I would become physically distressed seeing any child hurt or upset, even in a movie or on tv. It never abated.
Interesting! i havent gotten that at all, or any other psychological changes
When my spouse was at 7 months, a baby book mentioned that one way to know labor was close was "an urge to clean the house." We both had a good laugh at that '50s stereotype.... until 8 weeks later, when I came home from a late-night event to find my wife, awake at 1 AM and reorganizing the t-shirt drawer.
I asked, "Honey, are you okay?" And with huge eyes, she answered: "I think the parasite is controlling my mind." We went to the hospital immediately.
This! I have never been a baby person at all. When I got pregnant, relatives joked, “Gee now you’re actually going to have to hold a baby!” I thought I would be someone who simply gets through the newborn phase so I could really connect with my child when she was more of a distinct person who could do things and have thoughts.
My daughter was born a month ago and I am OBSESSED with her. I struggle to sleep not because she is keeping me awake but because I want to keep looking at her while she sleeps. I have to force myself out of concern for my health; my heart says “You have slept plenty and can sleep again some other time; every moment you don’t look at her is gone forever.” I cry seeing how much bigger she looks now compared to two weeks or four weeks ago. I LOVE taking care of this screaming little potato more than anything else I have ever done; it could not feel less like a slog I’m getting through on the way to somewhere more interesting. It’s true that I want to see her smile for real and walk and dance and laugh and make friends and stuff, but it’s equally true that I want her to be my little screaming potato forever and ever. I could never have predicted that I would feel the way I feel.
I don't think this happens to everyone but it does sound like a lot of fun
It happened to my wife and I and my parents. Having and raising a baby changes hormones and rewires brains of both the mom and dad. Evolution doing its thing, probably.
I like the boat in the stream. I’d suggest a snowball bouncing down a hill. You are on your own snowball trying to kick theirs in the right direction. Also: don’t confuse “mattering” with “mattering predictably.”
yeah that’s a good point—my dad’s said something similar many times
> Bryan Caplan school of parenting-doesn’t-matter
Note that he doesn't really endorse this theory (https://www.betonit.ai/p/do-ten-times-as-much):
> Take parenting. Most readers summarize my Selfish Reasons to Have More Kids as “Parenting doesn’t matter.” But that is only one possible interpretation of the twin and adoption data. The data is also consistent, however, with the theory that most parents are barely trying to get results — at least on many relevant margins. I pondered this in depth before I started homeschooling my kids. I’m always stunned by all the economists who fail to teach their kids about supply-and-demand. All my kids know about these holy diagrams. What’s the difference between their kids and mine? I did ten times as much.
Since you are fluent in Russian, I'll practice mine (that my parents worked so hard to preserve, and yet I am just unable to pass to my sons)
Ты просто не представляешь насколько ты будешь привязана к своему ребенку когда он родиться. Так смотришь на чужих - и это какие то мелкие уродцы. А когда это твой, собственный, родной, то он кажется тебе самым важным и самым замечательным. И у тебя будет непреодолимое желание решить все проблемы, убрать каждую палку чтобы не споткнулся и задушить каждого учителя или ребёнка который на него не так посмотрел или обидел.
My oldest former-newborn has now been (successfully?) launched to sea, and I like your approach. We're here to guide our kids not mold them.
... buuut I also spent several hours this week tutoring a smaller child in math, and drove her to the test, at her private school, then went home and worked on arranging private swimming lessons for her brother.
The flip side of each kid being their own unique individual is that sometimes they need unique support. Private school, because the local public school all but pushed them out the door. A reading tutor because they're reading at 2nd-grade level in 9th grade, and then expensive art classes because why should all the resources go into making your kid spend time doing things they hate and feeling bad, when there are also things that they are good at and make them feel good?
And then you get the kids - or more, the ages - where they lack ambition to the point where you have to coax/bribe/threaten them into showering and changing their socks, but when they come out the other side they thank you for making them study and leave the house. (My kids even thanked me for their second language, although to be fair, their second language is English, which is highly necessary if you want to curse people out on Fortnite.)
And I'll admit to joining the efforts to avoid the pernicious, hungry algorithms.
Time to tl;dr this comment before it gets longer than the post. Great post, I totally agree, except for all the caveats. And best wishes for a healthy and as-easy-as-possible birth and recovery.
You're not allowed to disagree with me when you actually agree with me
i dont disagree with you about parenting! (i mean, what do I know, I haven’t done any yet, but I dont think i do)
Eh. You haven’t seen your child’s pain yet. It is easier to criticize others for caring too much before experiencing your own child’s pains and joys. You feel their frustration, desperation, fear, or terror, even when the source is patently ridiculous, more than you could expect.