What is to be done?
About people who play their Bluetooth speakers in public
My friend wants me to make a post about those people who play their Bluetooth speakers in public (and people who play videos out loud on their phones, but I will use “Bluetooth speaker people” as shorthand). He makes the following arguments:
I should make this post because I am very disagreeable
I should argue against the idea that headphones are too expensive for poor people to afford
I should write this post, instead of him, because I am doing a writing residency
I should create a playbook for what upstanding members of the public should do about Bluetooth speaker people
I will address each of these arguments in turn.
“I am very disagreeable”
It is true that I am very disagreeable. For example, when making his argument, my friend brought up a recent incident where some kids were talking on the phone in a movie theater (during the movie!) and I scolded them.
I am happy to offer my services as a disagreeable person to anyone in need. If you have an annoying roommate, or a girlfriend you don’t like anymore but are afraid to break up with, or any other interpersonal conflict that could benefit from the introduction of a disagreeable person, I would love to help. Think of me as your apocryphal loud American employed by a Japanese company. Depending on your needs, I can play anywhere from “middle aged Karen” to “snotty preteen boy”.
However, posting about Bluetooth speaker people is a waste of time. Bluetooth speaker people aren’t reading my posts. If you are reading this post and you are a Bluetooth speaker person, I think you should stop playing your Bluetooth speaker in public. I think you should use headphones instead.
“Headphones are too expensive”
There is an idea that headphones are simply too expensive for poor people to afford, so it is a form of class warfare to sanction Bluetooth speaker people in public. The case has been made to me that as a disagreeable person, I should argue against this idea.
I do not want to argue against this idea. Only very stupid people believe this idea, and I do not want very stupid people to be reading my posts. If you are a very stupid person, consider becoming a different kind of person, such as a very tall person, or a very fast person. Otherwise, please stop reading my posts.
“I am doing a writing residency”
My friend thinks that I should write this post because I am doing a writing residency, and he is not.
I find this strange. It is not very difficult to produce a blog post. Anyone can do it at almost any time. Nevertheless, most people do not. Why is this? Are they lazy? Are they illiterate? Yes, but this doesn’t stop most bloggers. So why is it that most people do not have blogs?
The answer is that blog posts are not very valuable, and most people should not spend their time producing blog posts. They should spend their time doing something else, such as purchasing headphones, or becoming very fast.
What upstanding members of the public should do about Bluetooth speaker people
Despite the weakness of the foregoing arguments, I agree that there should be a playbook for what upstanding members of the public should do when encountering a Bluetooth speaker person. Even if you, like me, are very disagreeable, it can be difficult to do the right thing when there isn’t common knowledge of what that right thing is. Perhaps you give the Bluetooth speaker person a dirty look, or loudly remark to your companion how inconsiderate and rude the Bluetooth speaker person is, or even confront the Bluetooth speaker person directly in an attempt to instill shame in them.
It is possible that Bluetooth speaker people don’t realize that they are being inconsiderate and rude. Perhaps dirty looks, and loud remarks, and direct confrontations, may eventually result in their feeling ashamed, and ultimately in them changing their ways. But probably not. Probably they are playing their Bluetooth speakers in public on purpose, in order to impose their will upon the public commons. Probably it is because they, too, are very disagreeable.
Therefore, I think that when upstanding members of the public encounter a Bluetooth speaker person, they should bodily seize that person, rip them limb from limb, tear the remnants into little pieces, and then fling the pieces into the sea.
The playbook
First, bodily SEIZE the Bluetooth speaker person. It is ideal to have at least three others with whom to do this—one upstanding member of the public per limb. I understand that atomization is up and social connectedness is down, but you should be able to make prolonged, meaningful eye contact with at least one other person. If you are in public with a friend, or your spouse, each of you only needs to recruit one other. If you are alone, that’s okay—four is ideal, but as few as two can do in a pinch.
Second, RIP the Bluetooth speaker person limb from limb. It is important to carefully brace when accomplishing this, so as not to injure yourself. Execute the ripping motion with proper form. Plant your feet solidly on the ground and use your knees to create a flexible “spring” base. Keep your elbows bent and your spine aligned. The ripping motion should be done from the hips, not the shoulders.
If you only have two people in your group, do one set of limbs, and then proceed to the second. I suggest starting with the arms first, and then the legs, but the exact order is not important. Even unorthodox sequences such as left-arm-right-leg followed by right-arm-left-leg are permitted—as long as the limbs are ultimately removed.
Third, TEAR the remnants into little pieces, in whatever way you prefer. Cutting, rending, cleaving, or sundering is also acceptable. Remember to have fun with it—not every member of your group has to use the same technique.
There are no hard and fast rules for how large the pieces should be. Aim for pieces approximately the size of a handful, but don’t worry if they are a bit larger or smaller. Larger groups will usually end up with smaller pieces. That’s okay.
Fourth, FLING the little pieces into the sea. If you do not live near the sea, then any local waterway will do—so long as it is of sufficient size to adequately absorb the remnants of the Bluetooth speaker person without disturbing the local ecosystem. A major river or canal is usually sufficient; a pond or a stream is not. A storm drain is acceptable in the event that no other waterway is available—don’t let geographical constraints prevent you from doing your duty as an upstanding member of the public.
You can remember this playbook with the following initialism: S. R. T. F., or “SORT OF”. Do Bluetooth speaker people deserve to live? SORT OF—but not really.
Other people to whom this ought be done by upstanding members of the public
People who deliberately take the mufflers off their cars
People who chew gum
People who bring loud mechanical keyboards into shared offices
People who loudly crinkle bags of snacks in areas not specifically designated for snacks
People who are very disagreeable
Funnier than even a good CHH post, which is impressive
That last line was the perfect bowtie to bring this whole piece together. I look forward to doing my duty as an upstanding member of the public 🫡